CLS. Turkey.

January 27th. CLS Notifications Round 1. I held the butterflies inside my stomach all day as other applicants opened emails, announced successes, failures. By the time the next morning rolled around I still had not opened my email (it would be a few more months before I turned Gmail notifications on). People were astonished that I could wait so long! I figured that not knowing helped me in the end, containing any possible disappointment, and harboring the anticipation and excitement of a possible success.

I wanted to open it with my new good friend from work who had already done all of the amazing things I aspired to do an accomplish. CLS, Study Abroad, Fulbright. Arabic Advanced proficiency!

And so I got to let out a shriek to the staff in my work office, jump around like a little penguin, and covered my tomato-red face as if I had just been caught in an embarrassing moment. And everyone came to hug me and stop their language classes to come out to see the commotion. Boy, that was a bit much.

And ALAS, it was not meant to be. Good thing too. There was so much more going on in the world for me to shriek and jump and cry over a CLS notification. FIRST ROUND mind you.

Because Turkey then spiraled. A whole country. It became a constant ISIS target. Ankara. Istanbul. Izmir threat. State department workers pulled. Bursa targeted. Back to Ankara. And there I was, in my own bubble world, waiting and waiting and waiting for the second round to tell me that I would either make it or become an alternate. I did not think there would be failure. I just had a feeling it was one of the other two options.

And I became an alternate. While another friend won. And another Mount Holyoke student. And a high school friend who had gone to Turkey for one summer. Brown. And I was jealous. I even sent a jealously frustrated FB message to the first friend. And then she ended up having to decline the award for health reasons. Most moments I am not proud of now.

CLS Turkish ended up moving to Baku, Azerbaijan. In no way should this have made me feel better about not winning the award, although I shamefully admit that it did. What is more important is that the program was moved because Turkey had proved to be unsafe, according to the State Department. Ankara then Izmir then Bursa. Every location they tried to change the location to proved to be unsafe to them. On July 15th a military group attempted to overthrow the Turkish government in a coup. Hundreds have been killed, injured and arrested. My Turkish family and friends had been, and may still be in danger. I can express my solidarity with Turkey without being in Azerbaijan on a CLS Scholarship. I can continue my Turkish and still return someday. Scholarships are not important. Money is not important. My resume is not important at a time like this. My family, friends, and second home, Turkey, are important. Turkiye, seni seviyorum. Guvenli olun.